Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
