I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Randomize
