Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
