opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
