Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
