Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
