I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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