how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
