I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
