this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
