Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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