And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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