Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
