This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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