Whatcha textin bout Willis?
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
