I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
