so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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