What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
