Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
