my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Randomize
