Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
