my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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