Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
