I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
