i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
