WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
