girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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