Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Randomize
