I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I can tuck mytits in my pants
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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