god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
