Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I forget how to act sober
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
