last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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