i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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