My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
