My nipple is on Facebook.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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