thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
