You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
