She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Randomize
