Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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