I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Randomize
