This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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