guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
