my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
