i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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