fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Randomize
