explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
