The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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