I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
This is classic penis vs brain.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
