I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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