Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
