I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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