I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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