it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
