I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
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