I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
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