it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
