Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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