I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
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my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
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He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.