You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
You can't special order awesome
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?