I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
reminds me of losing my job
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
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she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
where are you?
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
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Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.