It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.