I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
