When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.