theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
